I didnt want him back or anything like that, and I didnt miss being with him. I just immediately dead faced, began packing our bags. My nieces and nephews witour their Papa. We miss our son immensely. This has torn me apart literally. My son lost his battle with Bipolar disorder a year ago. Back to hearing exactly what happened. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. Its like theyre afraid theyll catch something. I didn't even know these statistics until my Dad. Call on your personal faith and values to help you through. The Alabama alum plays inside, completing the three-cone drill in . Seek them out and help yourself live a better life. They are available 24 hours a day, every day. As a mum I should have done more. This tragic event has destroyed me. Also being aware that social media can slap you in the face with memories your not quite ready for. I feel like everyone else has just moved on and its hard to relate with them. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, shes in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I dont even know if this is gonna help her. IsabelleS January 6, 2021 at 10:39 am Reply. Its never a call you want to receive. She didnt keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. From bringing us to work or friends houses to girlfriends houses. when I pulled in the ambulance was wheeling her in. I have truer to get help for the pain and grief but have no where to go. A place to get personal things off your chest. My only child took his own life. I wonder am I going crazy? Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. I know I have a long road ahead to recovery I just wish I could have helped her and been there for here. My moms suicide has taught me a lot about myself. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. My condolences and I hope you find peace and comfort in the future after dealing with such a heartbreaking loss, stranger. She taklked abour wanting to die six weeks before she died by suicide. I mean what else was there to do? Because of his past history of cheating,I was very suspicious. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. My name is Chris Coleman. Sending much love I have the same questions as you just dont understand why. It scares me to this day. He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. Jeff and I had shared traumas growing up. I believe in the eternal nature of our souls and I know his spirit lives on. Hugs to youits only natural to wonder and think about what if and if I only maybe you could get together with others he touched and do something in his name to carry on helping others?! Nothing could have been further from the actual truth. Thank you for sharing your heart. I love you so much H. Why did you leave me alone? It seems to calm me. But that is my side of the story. But your daughter is not in that category. I should have known! At best, I was delaying his decision. It shouldnt hurt this bad, I barely knew him. Are you sure concerning the supply? People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. Perhaps you should reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement to work through this loss, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. I know it was the alcohol talking, so I paid it no mind. Over time it wore me out and I had to leave her. My mom kept him from his dad until her was old enough to move in with him. I also cringe when I hear completed suicide. I dont know if he thought about killing himself or if it was a random decision. I am the mother of my 35 yr old son and MY ONLY CHILD! A few days went by and she had asked us and we told her that it was fine but that we wanted to meet him first. The family decides to keep the suicide a secret. How am I supposed to get over it ? I have dreams of my brothers panic attacks. My brother left behind 2 small children and a 21 year old son. Its okay to express it. I both loved unconditionally, and despised and resented, this man, locked in a battle with myself over how I could love someone who treated me so badly, and how I could cut ties with someone I felt so irreversibly connected with. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. My bright, happy 21 year old son killed himself with a hand gun 11 years ago. They met there dad the day we buried him. Spending time with her wasnt the same it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. He was so smart and was the only one i could have the wierd talks. When I speak about the event, I chose to say He took his own life. because its hard for me to say the S word. I text and called him every day, when I didnt hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead. I just couldnt believe it. Is it normal to feel like shes already dead ? Witnesses indicated that shed been parked by the tracks for 90 minutes before taking her own life. He died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head just above his right ear. Told him about my first son the day after his 2nd son was born. Although we do monitor these comments, unless we are directly asked a question or addressed, many times we leave it to other commenters to respond. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. he was an atheist. We just put his ashes into the Atlantic ocean, which is what he wanted done with his cremated remains whenever he died. Barbara J. He was such a good person and my best friend. I pray the unjustice his sister and son (who were estranged from him) will get their Karma. But I cant help but blame myself for being part of the reason he made that decision. Sometimes I tell myself whats the point of even trying getting better? Three days before she died, it would have been my nieces 34th birthday. Ik its hard rn but I hope you forgive yourself one day and take this pain as an opportunity to grow and become the better brother you wouldve wanted your lil brother to see. I found him dead on my bed with his brains on the floor. My second piece of advice, when you are ready, is to find a Suicide Survivor group in your area. Despite getting some closure from his mother on what happened, I still feel responsible, yet helpless, for everything up to the point. When i try to piece myself back together i feel like im missing a half the pieces. The next day shes gone. It feels very stigmatising sometimes to be bereaved by suicide and to also feel like its a relief because the person was abusive and their death by whatever means equals them not being able to hurt me again. But that doesnt mean it doesnt deeply hurt. Thats all I know for sure. I never knew such pain existedCan anyone recommend a book or a website that will direct me to help him? I am so sorry that you didnt receive a meaningful response to your original post. My husband and I took my son who was 27 out there for the day. My husband I new in the physical forms short time. Him telling me I stole his stuff or was after him to attack or kill him. i can not believe this is real, i keep telling myself this is a nightmare that i need to wake up from we had so many plans that are gone he has 2 daugthers and he 2 my 2 under his wing as his own, why couldnt he at least think about them and ask for help? You were as good to your friend as you knew how to be. I am 37. I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. This has been a roller coaster of emotions because he was the perfect man when things were good, but when stress/ anxiety/ depression/ life situations took over, all those uneasy feelings kept coming back. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. Considering the stuff you mentioned about him. EVERY SINGLE DAY I ask WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this? I miss my brother deeply. Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.For some God awful reason I did that day. I just think its the truth! I know now she really wasnt after all. But we both had different reasons for being that way to each other. That I dont think this despair will ever stop. Please dont despair. Please take care of yourself after such a traumatic experience. I will never forget anything about him or that day..He was the 1st born I 2nd born of 3 boys and 1 girl the youngest. Talking with a counselor who specializes in trauma and grief can be incredibly helpful to changing your relationship with these difficult memories while learning to be able to connect with your fathers memory in more comforting ways in the present. I feel so terrible for his family and I cant imagine how they are feeling. It all happened one year ago exactly. We are here for you. We are human. In my case I had both one-on-one therapy and group, both were very helpful and every town has bereavement specialists if you look (including clergy). I guess Im doing this because I dont know what else to do. and there is no way up. Four days after learning that about my dress, or two days before my neighbor died, I took the dress off the hanger and folded it, intending to give it back to my Mom. It was hard for me to speak of to anyone at first. I understand what she went through. But then I realize he already knew that. Bridget. Let guilt turn to forgiveness of yourself and others. We typically useWortman & Latack (2015)sdefinition of traumatic loss: A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved ones body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.. I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. Like you, I see a lot of parallel between suicide and overdose death. My big sister. Wow I cant believe so much people are going through what I am going through. So, I continue to utilize my time, to nurture and love myself every day. The first time she tried, he threatened to . My little sister of 22 (2 years younger then myself) shot herself about 2 months ago. i will never know if there was a tumor that caused this or maybe his choice to end his life was a side-effect from the depression meds he was given. I hope you have those around you to give you the love and support that you need, even though they might not truly understand all that your grieving, as his mother, entails. We had lost my husband of 59 years her Daddy a little over a year ago. I became bitter, toxic, and now I am suicidal. Im sorry the pain youre feeling and I hope you find some comfort in speaking with someone. I just want to pull him back so strongly. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward? He really was my best friend. I understand the guilt, regret ALL OF IT. Nicky November 30, 2018 at 5:02 pm Reply. I am married and my husband is supportive but our relationship was already on the edge before my brothers suicide. Love you my darling girl. Many of our friends neighbors and family has never contacted me. But I will NEVER have that unless I create it myself starting with me. I have never experienced suicide this closely before right next door. Looking back though, there were plenty red flags. She was 37. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. She wasnt born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Although, at times I think why wasnt I enough, I look at my boys and I want to give them the childhood he didnt have. I am going to also contact a spiritual church and see if I can get some closure. Janet Gomez March 7, 2019 at 1:10 pm Reply. He was 28 yrs old I remember that day like it was right this second and just saying how much I loved him.I read yours and literally was sitting in that very moment all over againso much sadness. People say I am strong. It's not normal to copy siblings to the degree he did. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. I miss every single thing about him. IsabelleS December 30, 2020 at 3:43 pm Reply. My thoughts are with you. The important thing is that they get the insurance money and she remarries well because I have no idea how we are going to survive my sudden job loss. My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and its been gnawing at me every moment Im not consumed by grief. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. The news broke her even more. You can't even larp properly without looking like a total fucking retard . He is so much more than that to me. The next 8 years was a literal battle in trying to get him help. I am so heartbroken! I lived with him for 6 years and still cannot fathom why he did this. seems like we need to chat I have a few questions for you. On are way back to the house I feel asleep and my brother ran into one of neighbors mailbox. But i never would have thought it, he was always a happy person. Journey on. You can't even comprehend the fact that he killed himself; you can't comprehend seeing it and facing it. I knew the death of my father was hard on her she went thru a bad depression then she completely changed she never got drunk before but now she was drinking and smoking marijuana. I would call David, and there was a 2 day period in which I could not get ahold of him from work. i am devastated. For me, the most beneficial piece to my healing continues to be talking with others who have lost a loved one. I did not know why, this hurts so bad or if only. Sarah October 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply. Know that there are support groups that can be helpful. And that I cant make my own mother proud or happy. althought i can totally picture in my mind how he was found. With permission from Iris Bolton. Hed always struggled with depression and didnt really connect with relatives much. I grew up saving my older brother from failed attempts, but it had been over a decade since his last attempt. He had even made plans with other friends to keep busy over the next few days too. Things started to look up. One day, I guess she was just done. June 8 woke up as I had a panick attack. I had never tried so hard to help and failed. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. I had no idea he was depressed. I learned that he was Bipolar. I wish it wasnt this way and we could be open and a acknowledge what is a tragic epidemic here in NZ. Our grief is almost identical. After a suicide death, conflict may emerge because: Evidence suggests that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term committed suicide as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. Youre in my prayers I hope you find your son. We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind. I am still stuck, saddened anew at the terrible legacy of suicide and its stigma so many years on. Around a year and 2 weeks ago, one of my closest friends took her own life. My ex took her life on Aug 8th 2020, I dont believe I have actually grieved I tried and was the best mom I could be to our 4 children ranging from 27-19 they found her. This is consuming me. I just wanted to reach out to you and say I will pray for us both. She didnt write a good bye but her journals gave us a peek into her life of pain. What? Is all I could think to say. Very recent. He was 7 1/2 years older than me and he died eight days after my wedding and after having run off a month before. I miss him so much and while I always knew it was a possibility to lose him in this way, it wasnt expected/detectable this time and that mixed with my past of always being there except this time is making this so much harder. Hes the reason I pursued a degree and career in special education so I could work with people like him every day. Check in with your local mental health association. Its destroyed every part of my being, as if that day, that moment, everything plays over and over in my mind. He planned to end his life 3 weeks earlier, telling me how he would do it. I had a tremendous amount of faith in his abilities, in his determination. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. There is no pain like this, no loss like this. If only they knew how much pain they would leave there family in, they would never do this. The reality is if you have not experienced it you just cannot understand.and that is truly a good thing. My mother just hung herself last week. This happened August 2021, a few months after you lost your daughter. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting "START" to 741741. Thank you for your blog. Love, Mom of Tom, Tonya December 7, 2018 at 3:35 pm Reply, My son harmed himself on Nov 17th, I came home from spending the night at my boyfriend house. About five weeks ago, our son hung himself. Jamey December 24, 2018 at 12:43 am Reply. I begged him and told him I would be right over. It wasnt until the Friday morning after that phone call with my friend that I received another phone call from her close cousin telling me that she had killed herself. Very funny indeed. You gotta find a reason to live for yourself. I am not religious but I believe dejavu dreams all of it is because we are living the same life over and over one soul leaves and another entres. I didnt know him for very long but I feel so confused. Someone recently told me that just because I could see it unfolding, for years, and then blatantly obvious the lady few months, that doesnt mean I could have stopped it. My daughter was 30 also and left behind my 8 yr old grandson too. Love never dies. My 32 year old brother, the youngest of four boys, committed suicide by hanging himself from the inside of the living room door on March 24 (Just 5 days ago). There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. TTYL, JEREMY, Anonymous March 28, 2021 at 6:51 pm Reply. And Im so sorry for your loss. I guess I will never know, and I have no brain tissue of his to test. I woke at around 7 and seen it, thought to myself this was out of character and then seen the heart he posted on facebook. I understand that you are going through immense pain right now. Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death for some. For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you wont finish, I want to tell you that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post.